With just a week before leaving for the Czech Republic the phone rang. It was early in the morning, I hadn't even woken. My iPhone showed that it was my mom. Never a good sign at that hour. She isn't one to call often and when she calls at that hour someone has usually passed. That was the case, but it wasn't who I would have expected. It was my grandmother. Although she was 95 and had Alzheimer's for well over a decade, she was otherwise healthy. She died peacefully in her sleep, but the shock was still there.
Grandma was one of seven. I seem to remember hearing that her mother also lost a child; I believe a miscarriage. Her sisters all have lived well into their 90s. All are still alive. Her brothers, and her father, passed at young ages. Grandma didn't have any wrinkles. Seriously. 95 and her face was so smooth. My mom too is wrinkle free. These are not women who have lived pampered lives. Quite the opposite. They both had hard lives. Lives full of adversity. But you would never know it to look at them. I have their skin too. I wonder will I also be wrinkle free into my 90s? Will I live to my 90s? And of course with just days until our ET, I wonder what will my child(ren) be like? I know my DNA won't be present, so I know that I can't compare, but I still wonder. I could list the characteristics, but as I looked around the funeral home at my family and extended family I knew that the DNA wasn't what bound us all together it was love and shared experiences. I hadn't seen some cousins in 10 or 20 years, but we know each other, we're family and we just picked up where we left off. My child(ren) will be family too.
There was a moment where I cringed. My cousins adopted three years ago. A beautiful blue-eyed, blond haired adorable boy. As my cousin walked by, holding her son in her arms, I heard someone behind me whisper to her husband "Can you believe how much he looks like her? And he's adopted!" Oh how I need to prepare myself for these moments. I guess this is something all parents who conceive with donor gametes need to learn, just as all parents of adopted children need to.
But what I keep coming back to is the cycle of life. It truly seems that every time someone passes there is either a pregnancy announcement or a birth soon thereafter. Is this announcement going to be mine? I think about Grandma watching over us as we travel half-way around the world for the opportunity to be parents. Maybe her passing was meant for this time, just in time for us to send her off to a better place and then for her to protect us and insure a successful transfer and pregnancy. My cousin and my grandmother's nephew, both who live far and don't make it back home often, were also both already in town, another coincidence perhaps, but definitely reassuring that they were able to also be with family during this time. I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason and I want to believe that Grandma passed now for a reason.
I love you Grandma. Although mentally you left us a long time ago, you were still here and that brought me comfort. But now you are gone and it hurts, but you are in a better place, hand in hand with Grandpa, with your brothers, your parents, your daughter. I miss you but know that you will always be with me, with us. I hope you enjoy your trip to Prague and Brno! See you there!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
2-Fer!
Well today I "Czech-ed" 2 more things off the list! We received our donor information and I got my period! On the day they told me I would get it! I couldn't believe it!
I usually grab my iPhone when I get up and do a quick look at email before hopping in the shower. I was so happy that I did. Our coordinator sent me an email late last night with our donor information! She is 26, light brown hair, blue eyes, same blood type as me, no health issues and negative on all the screenings (STDs and genetic). She is also a proven donor - this will be the second time she has donated, plus she has her own child. The CR requires that donors have a Bachelors degree, so we knew that would be the case for her. I quickly forwarded the email to my guy and he was of course on board. So I immediately confirmed that we accept! I can't believe there is less than 3 weeks to ER!
As excited as I was to start the day with that news, I was a little bummed that I still had no symptoms that indicated my period would be starting. I tried to put it out of my mind and reminded myself that it wasn't necessary and even so there were a few more days to go before I had to start the estrogen. Well just three hours later I sort of had that feeling and sure enough a trip to the ladies' room confirmed! It still blows my mind that after decades of dreading my period I now rejoice in it!
We are so much closer to our goal. It is just completely mind blowing to me. I can't believe that just a year ago I was crying just about daily and didn't want to even hear the words "egg donor". Now I'm so excited and completely grateful that a complete stranger, half way around the world is going to so generously give of her time and put her body through hormonal craziness to give me my dream of motherhood. I'm shedding tears now of gratitude not sorrow and it feels awesome.
I usually grab my iPhone when I get up and do a quick look at email before hopping in the shower. I was so happy that I did. Our coordinator sent me an email late last night with our donor information! She is 26, light brown hair, blue eyes, same blood type as me, no health issues and negative on all the screenings (STDs and genetic). She is also a proven donor - this will be the second time she has donated, plus she has her own child. The CR requires that donors have a Bachelors degree, so we knew that would be the case for her. I quickly forwarded the email to my guy and he was of course on board. So I immediately confirmed that we accept! I can't believe there is less than 3 weeks to ER!
As excited as I was to start the day with that news, I was a little bummed that I still had no symptoms that indicated my period would be starting. I tried to put it out of my mind and reminded myself that it wasn't necessary and even so there were a few more days to go before I had to start the estrogen. Well just three hours later I sort of had that feeling and sure enough a trip to the ladies' room confirmed! It still blows my mind that after decades of dreading my period I now rejoice in it!
We are so much closer to our goal. It is just completely mind blowing to me. I can't believe that just a year ago I was crying just about daily and didn't want to even hear the words "egg donor". Now I'm so excited and completely grateful that a complete stranger, half way around the world is going to so generously give of her time and put her body through hormonal craziness to give me my dream of motherhood. I'm shedding tears now of gratitude not sorrow and it feels awesome.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Waiting
I'm not a patient person. I know this about myself. I have known it for a long time. Some how I ended up with a job that has me juggling multiple tasks at a time (something I am good at) but also has me waiting even more is beyond me. I spend hours every week waiting in court for my cases to be called; often when I need to be in another court or two at the same time. Had I known I would have to do so much waiting I probably would have still chosen this field. Because as inpatient as I am, as much as I hate waiting, I still love what I do, and so I wait.
So now I'm waiting in my personal life too. Waiting for my period. Waiting for my donor information. Waiting to leave for Prague. Waiting for transfer day. Waiting for two long weeks. I feel like I'm going to explode at any minute (or is that the Chinese take-out we got tonight?). I just want to be there already. I just want to be pregnant. I'm not a patient person but I am pretty sure that I will get through these periods of waiting, because I want the end result more than anything I've ever wanted in my life, and so I wait.
So now I'm waiting in my personal life too. Waiting for my period. Waiting for my donor information. Waiting to leave for Prague. Waiting for transfer day. Waiting for two long weeks. I feel like I'm going to explode at any minute (or is that the Chinese take-out we got tonight?). I just want to be there already. I just want to be pregnant. I'm not a patient person but I am pretty sure that I will get through these periods of waiting, because I want the end result more than anything I've ever wanted in my life, and so I wait.
Friday, September 7, 2012
One Year Later
Tomorrow is my 41st birthday. I was supposed to be married, have at least two kids, and a big colonial house with farmer's porch by now. Sound familiar? My vision of how my life would be has changed so many times over the years. I remember approaching my 30th birthday, I had graduated from law school, spent my first year clerking, and was now in my first job. I was "on" with my on-again, off-again boyfriend and we were talking about our future; now that we had both finished school and were in our "dream" jobs. (I wasn't really, but it was a job at a time when people were being laid-off with some unsettling regularity). I felt great. All my hard work for the past 12 years had paid off. I was living The Dream! Yes, I still had a lot of debt and a pretty small salary, but there was no where to go but up. Fast forward, just 6-months: We were "off" again, I was laid-off, and I had stage-IV atypical cervical cells and was scheduled for a LEEP.
The next decade saw a two more changes in jobs (finally achieving my dream job) and a string of men not worthy of me (although I didn't think so then!). Finally, I met someone truly worthy of me and we began planning our future. It wasn't a smooth path; we had many bumps along the way. He is divorced and has a son, so wasn't immediately certain about marriage or kids, but we worked through it and came to decisions together. Dream job! Dream guy! Life was good. Now let's add a baby. We started TTC and thought it may take a few tries, I was 39 after all, but after a couple of months the pain started. First, it was just physical. Double me over, take my breath away, when least expected pain. Having a conversation with a coworker and suddenly doubling over from being stabbed brought several wide-eyed looks and exclamations of "Are you okay?" "Sure! I'm fine! It's nothing." Well it wasn't nothing; it was endometriosis. And it was serious enough for my doctor to recommend surgery right away. Fortunately, I had several good friends who had been in my shoes and they gave me lots of advice and I went into this with nothing but positive feelings. This was just a temporary setback in our journey toward a baby. After all they all had kids, so this wasn't going to change that. I was a little disappointed that I wasn't going to have a baby before I turned 40, but it was only going to be a couple of months and then we'd be TTC again. Plus, there was a silver lining. My doctor was recommending some additional procedures; since she was going to be "going in" anyway! So in addition to laparoscopy, I was also going to have hysteroscopy to check my uterus, and my fallopian tubes "flushed" to make sure they were open. All went well and my doc told us to resume TTC after two weeks!
Then the pain became emotional. I had started charting thanks to the advice of one of those friends above. She sent me "the fertility bible" aka "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler. This opened my eyes to so much and made my doctor appointments more relevant. I knew the language, I could ask informed questions. This would prove to be very valuable because after two months, no period. Then three. Then four. Then began the tests. And the diagnosis; Premature Ovarian Failure. I will never forget the complete devastation I felt. I was numb. I couldn't function. I couldn't stop crying. It was his birthday. Our anniversary. And I couldn't get out of bed.
My doctor immediately referred me to an RE and we met with him a couple weeks later. He ordered more tests and on my 40th birthday, yes on the actual day, he confirmed the diagnosis. Confirmed it and told me, there was good news. Good news? I can't have a baby? What good news could there possibly be? "Time is on your side! Your options are adoption and using a donor, so you don't have to worry about your age." Are you flipping kidding me??? I never saw him again and I never will.
So here I am a year later. Wow, the changes that have happened. The healing. The connections made with some awesome and inspiring people (if I could hyper-link them all I would!). The way I look at everything has changed. I have grown more in this past year than I did in the past 40. Because unfortunately time is not on my side! I had to grieve and I did. But I also had to come to terms with some of those visions I had when I was young. What really mattered to me? Bottom line, I want to be a parent. I want to experience pregnancy (still not sure about experiencing child birth, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there). So really there was only one choice; using a donor. What rocked was that my guy wanted these things too. He wants to parent again. He wants me to experience pregnancy. So donor it is. What doesn't matter? Getting a bigger house. We will eventually, but our time line has been extended so that we can afford what is more important. Marriage? Well he still isn't sure about that and I'm okay with it. I still hope some day he will propose and we'll have a small, intimate ceremony, not the large Italian affair I dreamed of as a girl. I'm okay with doing things "out of order," because it isn't the most important thing. Having the love of my life stand with me, next to me, during the most difficult year of my life is the most important thing. Having him by my side as we travel half way around the world to conceive is more important. As for 2 kids? Well it is unlikely we will go through this process again if successful the first time, but there is that chance that we'll have 2 in the process anyway!
The next decade saw a two more changes in jobs (finally achieving my dream job) and a string of men not worthy of me (although I didn't think so then!). Finally, I met someone truly worthy of me and we began planning our future. It wasn't a smooth path; we had many bumps along the way. He is divorced and has a son, so wasn't immediately certain about marriage or kids, but we worked through it and came to decisions together. Dream job! Dream guy! Life was good. Now let's add a baby. We started TTC and thought it may take a few tries, I was 39 after all, but after a couple of months the pain started. First, it was just physical. Double me over, take my breath away, when least expected pain. Having a conversation with a coworker and suddenly doubling over from being stabbed brought several wide-eyed looks and exclamations of "Are you okay?" "Sure! I'm fine! It's nothing." Well it wasn't nothing; it was endometriosis. And it was serious enough for my doctor to recommend surgery right away. Fortunately, I had several good friends who had been in my shoes and they gave me lots of advice and I went into this with nothing but positive feelings. This was just a temporary setback in our journey toward a baby. After all they all had kids, so this wasn't going to change that. I was a little disappointed that I wasn't going to have a baby before I turned 40, but it was only going to be a couple of months and then we'd be TTC again. Plus, there was a silver lining. My doctor was recommending some additional procedures; since she was going to be "going in" anyway! So in addition to laparoscopy, I was also going to have hysteroscopy to check my uterus, and my fallopian tubes "flushed" to make sure they were open. All went well and my doc told us to resume TTC after two weeks!
Then the pain became emotional. I had started charting thanks to the advice of one of those friends above. She sent me "the fertility bible" aka "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler. This opened my eyes to so much and made my doctor appointments more relevant. I knew the language, I could ask informed questions. This would prove to be very valuable because after two months, no period. Then three. Then four. Then began the tests. And the diagnosis; Premature Ovarian Failure. I will never forget the complete devastation I felt. I was numb. I couldn't function. I couldn't stop crying. It was his birthday. Our anniversary. And I couldn't get out of bed.
My doctor immediately referred me to an RE and we met with him a couple weeks later. He ordered more tests and on my 40th birthday, yes on the actual day, he confirmed the diagnosis. Confirmed it and told me, there was good news. Good news? I can't have a baby? What good news could there possibly be? "Time is on your side! Your options are adoption and using a donor, so you don't have to worry about your age." Are you flipping kidding me??? I never saw him again and I never will.
So here I am a year later. Wow, the changes that have happened. The healing. The connections made with some awesome and inspiring people (if I could hyper-link them all I would!). The way I look at everything has changed. I have grown more in this past year than I did in the past 40. Because unfortunately time is not on my side! I had to grieve and I did. But I also had to come to terms with some of those visions I had when I was young. What really mattered to me? Bottom line, I want to be a parent. I want to experience pregnancy (still not sure about experiencing child birth, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there). So really there was only one choice; using a donor. What rocked was that my guy wanted these things too. He wants to parent again. He wants me to experience pregnancy. So donor it is. What doesn't matter? Getting a bigger house. We will eventually, but our time line has been extended so that we can afford what is more important. Marriage? Well he still isn't sure about that and I'm okay with it. I still hope some day he will propose and we'll have a small, intimate ceremony, not the large Italian affair I dreamed of as a girl. I'm okay with doing things "out of order," because it isn't the most important thing. Having the love of my life stand with me, next to me, during the most difficult year of my life is the most important thing. Having him by my side as we travel half way around the world to conceive is more important. As for 2 kids? Well it is unlikely we will go through this process again if successful the first time, but there is that chance that we'll have 2 in the process anyway!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Czech That Off The List!
LUPRON SHOT? CZECH!
I know, so corny.
I wasn't sure I'd sleep last night, so I made sure to listen to a Circle + Bloom meditation right before bed and take 2 Tylenol PM! I slept okay, but as soon as I heard my guy stir around 6:00 AM the butterflies returned! The plan was for him to give me the shot after he showered. I heard him return to the room and begin fumbling with the box. I waited eyes closed and praying. I knew that I had to let him handle preparing the shot; if we both tried we would end up arguing. "Just let him handle it," I kept repeating to myself. Alternating that phrase with several "Hail Marys"! Then he started cursing. "I think I just f'd this up." Breathe. Don't react. Breathe. He's not asking for help. I roll over. He's holding the syringe in one hand and the shaking the vial in the other. "Um, I thought you were supposed to leave the needle in the vial?" I get "The Look." I shut up!
So then there were several attempts to draw the suspension into the syringe. Lots of air bubbles. Finally, I gently ask if he wants me to try. I get probably 95% in the syringe. I'm satisfied. He's not. I try again and get 100%. Phew! I then assumed the position and waited. And waited. And waited. "Here we go." Nothing. I'm still in the position. Still nothing. Then he sticks me. With a band-aid. What?!!? I turn around. "You did it?" "Yup. All done." (he holds up the empty syringe). I never felt a thing!
I know, so corny.
I wasn't sure I'd sleep last night, so I made sure to listen to a Circle + Bloom meditation right before bed and take 2 Tylenol PM! I slept okay, but as soon as I heard my guy stir around 6:00 AM the butterflies returned! The plan was for him to give me the shot after he showered. I heard him return to the room and begin fumbling with the box. I waited eyes closed and praying. I knew that I had to let him handle preparing the shot; if we both tried we would end up arguing. "Just let him handle it," I kept repeating to myself. Alternating that phrase with several "Hail Marys"! Then he started cursing. "I think I just f'd this up." Breathe. Don't react. Breathe. He's not asking for help. I roll over. He's holding the syringe in one hand and the shaking the vial in the other. "Um, I thought you were supposed to leave the needle in the vial?" I get "The Look." I shut up!
So then there were several attempts to draw the suspension into the syringe. Lots of air bubbles. Finally, I gently ask if he wants me to try. I get probably 95% in the syringe. I'm satisfied. He's not. I try again and get 100%. Phew! I then assumed the position and waited. And waited. And waited. "Here we go." Nothing. I'm still in the position. Still nothing. Then he sticks me. With a band-aid. What?!!? I turn around. "You did it?" "Yup. All done." (he holds up the empty syringe). I never felt a thing!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
The SHOT
Tomorrow is the day. There are massive butterflys in my stomach and I can't seem to focus at work today. So I decided to quickly log in here and see if I could relieve some of the anxiety by writing about it.
For those who don't know, using a donors eggs requires the recipient to take Lupron to "quiet her ovaries." I'm not going to get into the science, I'm not a doctor. But this is a critical step in preparing to "sync" the donor and recipient's cycles. Because our insurance doesn't cover this medication we were able to get it from the Clinic and had it shipped to us. Although this has been in the works for months, it didn't ship until last week! And yup - still don't have it! I checked the UPS tracking website this morning though and it said that it was out for delivery and would arrive on time. Relief, right? WRONG. Just last month, when tracking another highly anticipated package I got the same message, but never got my package. Some how it ended up getting on the wrong truck and then on a plane and ended up going on a journey around the US for a few days before making it back to me. So yes, I'm a bundle of nerves. Completely stress ball right now.
And then there is the shot itself. My guy will be administering it. He had his lesson. I trust him. But still unsettling.
So if anyone out there is reading this blog and has some advice, now is the time to stop lurking. I need you! Any advice on how to relax? :)
For those who don't know, using a donors eggs requires the recipient to take Lupron to "quiet her ovaries." I'm not going to get into the science, I'm not a doctor. But this is a critical step in preparing to "sync" the donor and recipient's cycles. Because our insurance doesn't cover this medication we were able to get it from the Clinic and had it shipped to us. Although this has been in the works for months, it didn't ship until last week! And yup - still don't have it! I checked the UPS tracking website this morning though and it said that it was out for delivery and would arrive on time. Relief, right? WRONG. Just last month, when tracking another highly anticipated package I got the same message, but never got my package. Some how it ended up getting on the wrong truck and then on a plane and ended up going on a journey around the US for a few days before making it back to me. So yes, I'm a bundle of nerves. Completely stress ball right now.
And then there is the shot itself. My guy will be administering it. He had his lesson. I trust him. But still unsettling.
So if anyone out there is reading this blog and has some advice, now is the time to stop lurking. I need you! Any advice on how to relax? :)
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Jumping In!
I knew I would suck at this. I haven't written since May. I think about it. I do. Really! But I worry too. I worry about starting in the middle of our story. So much has happened to us. How can I do our story justice, but starting where we are at now? But if I don't start writing, maybe I will regret it, so I am going to jump in. Ready. Set. GO!
So today was injection lesson day. We only have to do this once. One. Week. From. Tomorrow! Yup. This is real. My guy practiced on the fake butt check. He did great. He was asking lots of questions of the nurse; making sure he knew exactly what he needs to do. I'm not at all worried about this part, but he is. I feel bad. We have so much going on right now. This is just another source of stress for him. I think it will be good for us though too. Part of the baby making process right? May not be very sexy or passionate, but it is what we are stuck with. Lupron day is 1 month from the day we leave for Prague. We really are getting close.
One of the biggest things that have gotten me through the past two years, especially the last 15 months, has been all the support I have found. I haven't been very silent, I share with the people I think I should share with and that has been really helpful. I had an awesome opportunity today to pay it forward. Someone I know, who sadly didn't have a successful IVF experience, emailed me and asked if I would be willing to talk to someone she knows about my experience. She said this woman was having a similar experience (i.e., not having a period for months at a time). My answer was - absolutely! So I just finished an email to her. I found I could write our story without tears. I guess in helping others we do heal ourselves. Not knowing her story, I decided to just tell her ours and give her my top 3 tips. So I will close with those.
1) Get to know your body. I highly recommend "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler. I think this book should be a must read for every woman, even those who don't want to conceive - ever. My doctor didn't recommend charting. She just recommended that we have a lot of sex and that I track when I get my period. Big mistake. I feel like we missed several precious months. Read the book. Go to the website. CHART.
2) Consider natural remedies. I tried Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) for several months. I found an acupuncturist who specializes in fertility and women's health. He is also a Chinese herbalist. I travel quite some distance to see him each week, because I felt this combination was important. I took herbs for 5 months and my hot flashes and night sweats disappeared (almost immediately). My doctor was so thrilled by this, that she is now referring patients to him who want a natural solution to menopause symptoms. I still visit him for acupuncture. It really doesn't hurt and it really is a great stress reliever. When we decided to use a donor, I went back on BC, so I stopped the herbs. I think if we were younger (in other words had more time to TTC) I would have continued with the herbs longer. I still believe my body would eventually have responded, I would have ovulated, and conceived.
3) Get support. We joined Resolve New England. Their website and newsletters contain a wealth of information. A lot of their information is available without a membership; but we went that next step and you should too. Attend their seminars. Attend a local peer support group. The wealth of information you will get is worth more than you will spend on the membership. The support you will get will be invaluable. If you're not in New England, find your local Resolve!
Well, I jumped in. Hope to make this a regular thing. Peace.
So today was injection lesson day. We only have to do this once. One. Week. From. Tomorrow! Yup. This is real. My guy practiced on the fake butt check. He did great. He was asking lots of questions of the nurse; making sure he knew exactly what he needs to do. I'm not at all worried about this part, but he is. I feel bad. We have so much going on right now. This is just another source of stress for him. I think it will be good for us though too. Part of the baby making process right? May not be very sexy or passionate, but it is what we are stuck with. Lupron day is 1 month from the day we leave for Prague. We really are getting close.
One of the biggest things that have gotten me through the past two years, especially the last 15 months, has been all the support I have found. I haven't been very silent, I share with the people I think I should share with and that has been really helpful. I had an awesome opportunity today to pay it forward. Someone I know, who sadly didn't have a successful IVF experience, emailed me and asked if I would be willing to talk to someone she knows about my experience. She said this woman was having a similar experience (i.e., not having a period for months at a time). My answer was - absolutely! So I just finished an email to her. I found I could write our story without tears. I guess in helping others we do heal ourselves. Not knowing her story, I decided to just tell her ours and give her my top 3 tips. So I will close with those.
1) Get to know your body. I highly recommend "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler. I think this book should be a must read for every woman, even those who don't want to conceive - ever. My doctor didn't recommend charting. She just recommended that we have a lot of sex and that I track when I get my period. Big mistake. I feel like we missed several precious months. Read the book. Go to the website. CHART.
2) Consider natural remedies. I tried Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) for several months. I found an acupuncturist who specializes in fertility and women's health. He is also a Chinese herbalist. I travel quite some distance to see him each week, because I felt this combination was important. I took herbs for 5 months and my hot flashes and night sweats disappeared (almost immediately). My doctor was so thrilled by this, that she is now referring patients to him who want a natural solution to menopause symptoms. I still visit him for acupuncture. It really doesn't hurt and it really is a great stress reliever. When we decided to use a donor, I went back on BC, so I stopped the herbs. I think if we were younger (in other words had more time to TTC) I would have continued with the herbs longer. I still believe my body would eventually have responded, I would have ovulated, and conceived.
3) Get support. We joined Resolve New England. Their website and newsletters contain a wealth of information. A lot of their information is available without a membership; but we went that next step and you should too. Attend their seminars. Attend a local peer support group. The wealth of information you will get is worth more than you will spend on the membership. The support you will get will be invaluable. If you're not in New England, find your local Resolve!
Well, I jumped in. Hope to make this a regular thing. Peace.
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