In Memory

With just a week before leaving for the Czech Republic the phone rang. It was early in the morning, I hadn't even woken.  My iPhone showed that it was my mom. Never a good sign at that hour. She isn't one to call often and when she calls at that hour someone has usually passed. That was the case, but it wasn't who I would have expected. It was my grandmother. Although she was 95 and had Alzheimer's for well over a decade, she was otherwise healthy.  She died peacefully in her sleep, but the shock was still there.

Grandma was one of seven. I seem to remember hearing that her mother also lost a child; I believe a miscarriage.  Her sisters all have lived well into their 90s.  All are still alive. Her brothers, and her father, passed at young ages. Grandma didn't have any wrinkles. Seriously. 95 and her face was so smooth. My mom too is wrinkle free. These are not women who have lived pampered lives. Quite the opposite. They both had hard lives. Lives full of adversity. But you would never know it to look at them. I have their skin too. I wonder will I also be wrinkle free into my 90s? Will I live to my 90s? And of course with just days until our ET, I wonder what will my child(ren) be like? I know my DNA won't be present, so I know that I can't compare, but I still wonder.  I could list the characteristics, but as I looked around the funeral home at my family and extended family I knew that the DNA wasn't what bound us all together it was love and shared experiences.  I hadn't seen some cousins in 10 or 20 years, but we know each other, we're family and we just picked up where we left off.  My child(ren) will be family too.

There was a moment where I cringed. My cousins adopted three years ago.  A beautiful blue-eyed, blond haired adorable boy.  As my cousin walked by, holding her son in her arms, I heard someone behind me whisper to her husband "Can you believe how much he looks like her?  And he's adopted!" Oh how I need to prepare myself for these moments. I guess this is something all parents who conceive with donor gametes need to learn, just as all parents of adopted children need to.

But what I keep coming back to is the cycle of life. It truly seems that every time someone passes there is either a pregnancy announcement or a birth soon thereafter.  Is this announcement going to be mine? I think about Grandma watching over us as we travel half-way around the world for the opportunity to be parents.  Maybe her passing was meant for this time, just in time for us to send her off to a better place and then for her to protect us and insure a successful transfer and pregnancy.  My cousin and my grandmother's nephew, both who live far and don't make it back home often, were also both already in town, another coincidence perhaps, but definitely reassuring that they were able to also be with family during this time.  I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason and I want to believe that Grandma passed now for a reason.

I love you Grandma. Although mentally you left us a long time ago, you were still here and that brought me comfort. But now you are gone and it hurts, but you are in a better place, hand in hand with Grandpa, with your brothers, your parents, your daughter.  I miss you but know that you will always be with me, with us.  I hope you enjoy your trip to Prague and Brno!  See you there!