One Year Later

Tomorrow is my 41st birthday.  I was supposed to be married, have at least two kids, and a big colonial house with farmer's porch by now.  Sound familiar?  My vision of how my life would be has changed so many times over the years. I remember approaching my 30th birthday, I had graduated from law school, spent my first year clerking, and was now in my first job. I was "on" with my on-again, off-again boyfriend and we were talking about our future; now that we had both finished school and were in our "dream" jobs. (I wasn't really, but it was a job at a time when people were being laid-off with some unsettling regularity).  I felt great.  All my hard work for the past 12 years had paid off. I was living The Dream! Yes, I still had a lot of debt and a pretty small salary, but there was no where to go but up. Fast forward, just 6-months:  We were "off" again, I was laid-off, and I had stage-IV atypical cervical cells and was scheduled for a LEEP.

The next decade saw a two more changes in jobs (finally achieving my dream job) and a string of men not worthy of me (although I didn't think so then!). Finally, I met someone truly worthy of me and we began planning our future.  It wasn't a smooth path; we had many bumps along the way.  He is divorced and has a son, so wasn't immediately certain about marriage or kids, but we worked through it and came to decisions together. Dream job! Dream guy!  Life was good. Now let's add a baby. We started TTC and thought it may take a few tries, I was 39 after all, but after a couple of months the pain started. First, it was just physical. Double me over, take my breath away, when least expected pain. Having a conversation with a coworker and suddenly doubling over from being stabbed brought several wide-eyed looks and exclamations of "Are you okay?"  "Sure! I'm fine! It's nothing."  Well it wasn't nothing; it was endometriosis.  And it was serious enough for my doctor to recommend surgery right away. Fortunately, I had several good friends who had been in my shoes and they gave me lots of advice and I went into this with nothing but positive feelings. This was just a temporary setback in our journey toward a baby.  After all they all had kids, so this wasn't going to change that.  I was a little disappointed that I wasn't going to have a baby before I turned 40, but it was only going to be a couple of months and then we'd be TTC again. Plus, there was a silver lining.  My doctor was recommending some additional procedures; since she was going to be "going in" anyway!  So in addition to laparoscopy, I was also going to have hysteroscopy to check my uterus, and my fallopian tubes "flushed" to make sure they were open.  All went well and my doc told us to resume TTC after two weeks!

Then the pain became emotional.  I had started charting thanks to the advice of one of those friends above. She sent me "the fertility bible" aka "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler.  This opened my eyes to so much and made my doctor appointments more relevant.  I knew the language, I could ask informed questions. This would prove to be very valuable because after two months, no period. Then three. Then four.  Then began the tests. And the diagnosis; Premature Ovarian Failure. I will never forget the complete devastation I felt. I was numb. I couldn't function. I couldn't stop crying. It was his birthday. Our anniversary. And I couldn't get out of bed.

My doctor immediately referred me to an RE and we met with him a couple weeks later.  He ordered more tests and on my 40th birthday, yes on the actual day, he confirmed the diagnosis.   Confirmed it and told me, there was good news.  Good news?  I can't have a baby?  What good news could there possibly be?  "Time is on your side!  Your options are adoption and using a donor, so you don't have to worry about your age."  Are you flipping kidding me???  I never saw him again and I never will.

So here I am a year later. Wow, the changes that have happened. The healing. The connections made with some awesome and inspiring people (if I could hyper-link them all I would!). The way I look at everything has changed. I have grown more in this past year than I did in the past 40. Because unfortunately time is not on my side! I had to grieve and I did. But I also had to come to terms with some of those visions I had when I was young. What really mattered to me?  Bottom line, I want to be a parent. I want to experience pregnancy (still not sure about experiencing child birth, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there). So really there was only one choice; using a donor. What rocked was that my guy wanted these things too. He wants to parent again. He wants me to experience pregnancy.  So donor it is.  What doesn't matter?  Getting a bigger house. We will eventually, but our time line has been extended so that we can afford what is more important.  Marriage?  Well he still isn't sure about that and I'm okay with it.  I still hope some day he will propose and we'll have a small, intimate ceremony, not the large Italian affair I dreamed of as a girl.  I'm okay with doing things "out of order," because it isn't the most important thing. Having the love of my life stand with me, next to me, during the most difficult year of my life is the most important thing.  Having him by my side as we travel half way around the world to conceive is more important.  As for 2 kids? Well it is unlikely we will go through this process again if successful the first time, but there is that chance that we'll have 2 in the process anyway!